Honoring Grief: What to Say (and What Not to Say) After Pregnancy or Infant Loss

As we approach the start of the holiday season—a time that brings families together and spotlights togetherness—the grief of pregnancy or infant loss can feel especially heavy. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and October 15 marks the annual Wave of Light, a global remembrance for babies gone too soon. It’s a time to pause, to honor, and to recognize a pain that is often invisible, yet deeply felt. 

If someone close to you has experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, you may feel unsure about what to say—or afraid of saying the wrong thing. But silence can often hurt more than an imperfect attempt to offer comfort. Grief doesn’t require perfect words. It simply asks for presence, compassion, and a willingness to witness someone’s pain. 

What to Say: Words That Offer Comfort 

Here are a few gentle ways to acknowledge their loss:  

• “I’m so sorry. I’m here for you.” 

Simple, heartfelt words can go a long way. You don’t need to fix anything—just being present is powerful.  

• “I remember their due date/name/time.” 

Acknowledging the baby by name (if known) or remembering important dates like a due date or anniversary lets someone know their child mattered—and still does.  

• “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I’m thinking of you.” 

 It’s okay to admit you’re unsure. Honesty, paired with care, often feels more genuine than trying to offer solutions.  

• “You’re not alone.” 

Reminding someone they are seen and supported can help lessen the isolation that so often follows loss.  

• “I lit a candle for them today.” 

Thoughtful gestures—no matter how small—can bring a moment of peace during a painful time. 

What Not to Say: Phrases That Can Hurt 

Even with the best intentions, certain phrases can unintentionally invalidate someone’s grief. Try to avoid:  

• “Everything happens for a reason.” 

This can feel dismissive or oversimplified, especially in the face of profound loss.  

• “At least you weren’t further along” or “At least you already have a child.” 

Grief isn’t measured by weeks or family size. Every loss is real and deeply personal.  

• “You can try again.” 

While this may be true, it does not replace the baby they lost or the grief they feel now.  

• “Be strong.” 

People who are grieving don’t need to be strong—they need to be allowed to feel. 

Honoring Their Journey 

Whether your friend is silently carrying grief or openly sharing their story, remember that loss doesn’t end after a few days or weeks. Especially as holidays approach, small gestures can mean the world—sending a note, checking in, lighting a candle, or simply saying, “I’m thinking of you.” 

Pregnancy and infant loss are often shrouded in silence. By choosing to speak with kindness, to listen without judgment, and to honor the grief rather than rush it, we create space for healing. And we remind those who are grieving that their baby’s life—and their love—will never be forgotten.