“Just Relax” and Other Holiday Triggers: How to Respond, or Not

The holiday season is meant to be a time of joy, connection, and reflection—but for many people navigating infertility or fertility challenges, it can also be a minefield of emotional triggers. Well-meaning family members, old friends, or distant relatives may offer unsolicited advice, ask invasive questions, or toss out familiar phrases like “just relax, and it’ll happen” without understanding the depth of your experience. 

If you’re bracing for Thanksgiving dinners and holiday gatherings with a mix of gratitude and dread, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to suffer in silence. 

Why "Just Relax" Isn’t Helpful 

“Just relax” is one of the most common—and frustrating—comments people with infertility hear. It implies that stress alone is the cause of fertility struggles, dismissing the complex medical, hormonal, or immunologic factors that might be at play. For anyone undergoing treatment or living with diagnoses like diminished ovarian reserve, PCOS, or endometriosis, relaxation isn’t the issue—it’s biology. 

The truth is, comments like these often come from a place of care, but they miss the mark. If you’re not in the mood to educate every dinner guest, that’s okay. You’re allowed to set boundaries and protect your emotional space. 

How to Respond (If You Want To) 

If you choose to engage, here are a few responses you can keep in your back pocket: 

“Thanks for your concern, but we’re working with doctors and have a plan in place.” 

“Actually, infertility is a lot more complex than just stress. It’s a medical condition that requires treatment.” 

“We’re keeping our journey private for now, but I appreciate your support.” 

It’s also perfectly valid to change the subject, offer a polite smile, or walk away. Not every comment deserves your energy, especially if you’re in the middle of a treatment cycle or navigating recent disappointment. 

Give Yourself Permission to Opt Out 

If attending a holiday gathering feels too overwhelming, it’s okay to say no. Your mental and emotional health matters, and you’re not obligated to show up to every event if it’s going to take a toll. Consider creating new, more peaceful traditions with a close friend, partner, or just yourself. Sometimes a quiet day with your favorite meal, a good movie, or a nature walk can be far more restorative than a room full of questions. 

Create a Script—or a Support System 

Before heading into a potentially triggering environment, it can help to talk to your partner or a trusted friend about how you want to handle certain topics. Come up with a signal or exit plan if the conversation gets too heavy. Having just one person in the room who knows what you’re going through can make a big difference. 

Be Kind to Yourself 

Finally, give yourself grace. You are doing your best, and the holidays can be emotionally layered even in the best of circumstances. Whether you respond with a speech or a shrug—or choose not to show up at all—you’re allowed to make decisions that protect your heart. From all of us at CHR, we see you, we support you, and we’re here if you need us.